?

Log in

No account? Create an account
House

January 2013

S M T W T F S
  12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728293031  

Syndicate

RSS Atom
Powered by LiveJournal.com

Previous 10

Jan. 8th, 2013

Back off

(no subject)

My stress levels are maxed out. Tomorrow night I will meet my newest step mother..widow of my father. Im hoping that the evening will go smoothly without emotional turmoil. Im trying desperately to mentally prepare for this meeting. Add to that, I have two children who live in constant competition with one another. Both have been traumatically hurt by the suicide of the only man who they knew as a father. Having survived the suicide of a loved one myself, I understand keenly what they are going through. I also understand that it is easier to show anger than hurt. Unfortunately, my boys are very much like me and lash out rather than show that which they perceive as weakness. Between that and their tremendous competitiveness, a chaotic dynamic is created and persists daily. It is overwhelming. Both for their mother, each other and myself. I am at a loss as to what I can or should do to alleviate the situation.

Jan. 4th, 2013

Back off

(no subject)

Im feeling my stress levels ratchet up again. In the short time that J has been back, tension has been created. I listen to him bounce off of his brothers like before. Nothing has really changed. No counseling,no supervision these last several months with his father..and we're back to square one. He wants to be in control of everyone and everything around him and is adamantly opposed to being told what to do. By anyone. He has blatant disrespect for any kind of authority, particularly female. He is passive aggressive, sarcastic and at times, openly hostile. I dont think I can do this again..I just dont have the patience, strength, or sanity in me.

Dec. 30th, 2012

Back off

(no subject)

My father is dead. Although to some that may seem a tragic event, for me it is a relief. I didnt lose a loving, doting parent. My abuser is finally gone. Ive spent years trying to escape the memories. Therapy, medication, journaling, drugs and alcohol..nothing made it go away for me. It took years to find some level of inner peace, some semblance of sanity. The nightmares are less intense, Im in a healthy relationship, my life has reached a balance. This final event frees me completely from the fears of him one day showing up on my doorstep. Maybe now I can move forward unfettered..no longer bound by the ghosts of my past..

Dec. 16th, 2012

Back off

(no subject)

Finally have my soldier boy home again..its nice to see him but i wish that the circumstances were better. It breaks my heart to see my kids hurt and i hate that i cant fix it for him. Its one of those wonderful processes that he must go through to get past. He has been told to tell his stories..likely so he gets it out of him..so its not eating him alive. As i sit and listen to the things he says, i am in shock! I know that being in a war zone is no picnic..i know that he is a soldier..but first and foremost, he is my Baby Boy.
The experiences that he's endured..coming close to death in a surprise attack..killing an enemy and watching as the life drained from his eyes..having to fire on a child who was going to take his life..i listen as he regales his younger brothers with war stories..i watch as they gaze at him in wonder and pride..applauding confirmed kills and assaults on officers..i share their pride, certainly..and yet i feel sad to know that these were real situations..horrifying events that he went through..that weigh on his mind and haunt his dreams..if i could take the pain and the turmoil that plagues him, i would in a heartbeat..as it is, the best i can do is listen..let him get it all out..help him to heal and move forward..

Sep. 8th, 2011

House

(no subject)

Well, all previous attachments have been severed. My ex wife is taking it surprisingly well, my ex Domme, not so much. So far she's tried threatening suicide, manipulation, guilt...i guess i expected that. She's young, pregnant, hormonal..going thru a rough break up with the baby's father. I feel for her, truly, but she left and made it clear what she wanted. Just because it didnt work out the way she planned doesnt mean i should be here sitting here waiting as a consolation prize.
My side of the road is taken care of for the most part. Thus far ive heard no real objections. Everyone in my world loves Rita. W/we still have to sit down and have a talk with Her kids. I dont really anticipate any negative response; we're all very close and i adore them..and it seems pretty mutual. 
I cant wait to see what the future holds for U/us. i cant recall ever being so intensely connected to anyone..or so happy to know that its really real..


House

(no subject)

well...its official..out there for all the world to see..W/we are a couple and W/we dont care who knows..broke it to my (now ex) Domme..she threatened suicide..kicked, screamed and manipulated..quite a potent threat considering the recent past..yet, im steadfast in my love and devotion to Rita..ive never felt so loved..so important to anyone..i love Her so...and Her kids as my own..this is an ending..a beginning..a continuation of W/we who have been for millenia...

Sep. 7th, 2011

Eternal

(no subject)

So Wwe've moved to yet a new level. Last night She told me She is in love with me..and cried. i know its terrifying in its way; it is for me too. For Her, though, its such an extreme life change. Though Oour relationship seems to transcend gender or orientation, at least to Uus, it will be labelled by those outside Oour little circle. The average person will likely perceive a lesbian couple and react in kind. Though that certainly doesnt bother me; its entirely new to Her. i fear there will be repercussions within Her world..of some sort. Above all else, i want Her to be happy, secure, safe...
It is a very real possibility that within the year Wwe will make a major move. She wants to live in Seattle ~Goddess only knows why(!!!!)~ and so that is the plan. in truth, i understand Her desire to live in a place that has a more open, free, accepting attitude..She is discovering so much about who She is and in this environment She is..suppressed. Her natural Dominance..Her devotion to the Goddess and Craft..that She is in love with a woman..all issues that will be commonplace and accepted there. She will not need to fear that to be open could jeopardize all that She has..
i know this is "last round" for me. There will not be another, for She is the One who i dreamed of, fantasized about...asked for on that beautiful Yule night. 'One who loves as i do..a match..just once before i go'; words whispered to the Goddess among Kindred on a special night. And so its come to pass and She is my other half. Wwe have been many times over in many incarnations through the ages, of that there is no question. Like my Love, i wish Wwe had reconnected sooner this life..no worries, Wwe have time. Until that day She has foreseen when She will release me to Deity..and Wwe will part until the next...iteration.


Sep. 6th, 2011

House

(no subject)

Seems like each day i find myself closer to the edge..the borders of a new life, a future..perhaps..therein lies the rub..the uncertainty is terrifying sometimes..the next year could be *all* there is to Uus..based on that alone, i find myself balking somewhat at the prospect of asking complete release from my Wolf..or of setting aside my curiousity regarding Sandy..

Jul. 9th, 2010

House

Insanity...

I am at the end of my rope with this fucking job! Day after day I deal with bums, drunks, crackheads and whores...I don't have it in me to be tolerant or even compassionate anymore.. By the end of the day I'm so stressed and frustrated I don't know whether to cry or scream or just hit the next thing that moves!
I know that this can't last forever...soon I'll be able to leave this God-forsaken place and move forward with my life. Its been 3 years since I had to look for work; at the least there's been a measure of security here.. At this point I'm ok with taking a leap into the unknown! Staying here and losing my sanity is a more frightening prospect!

Mar. 11th, 2007

House

She who must not be named...

Once again the trusty ol' ex has reappeared in my world....unbidden...unwelcome..just there...she stole painkillers from my Dad's pharmacy...He called me thinking he was pretty brilliant in having caught that....i would have been happier if he had an attack of intelligence BEFORE this happened...he's known the pill-addicted crack whore nearly 7 years after all....instead of just breaking off contact this dumbass gets drunk and they hang out on the phone...so she finds ways to use him and he isn't even bright enough to catch it..
At any rate, I made a few phone calls to some of her usual "victims" in this scenario and essentially cut off her supply of pills, money and transportation...now this morning she calls here (or rather her psycho midget crack head g/f calls here) raising holy hell....i did finally get my ex on the phone and told her to stay away altogether...do your thing, whatever...dont call me...dont involve me in your little power struggles...then I called mom and dad and told them the same...if he's stupid enough to be buddied up with that trash then whatever happens, he deserves it...dont disrupt my world over it.....


Is a nice peaceful existance really THAT much to ask?

Previous 10